Self Worth

(jsyk, this isn't going to be the most linear of posts)

I've never been the sort of person whose self worth has been tied in to how I look; how I think I look, how I believe other's perceive me, and what I know other's to think of me. It's just never been something that's really impacted my life. That's not to say I don't care, because I do. I care that my thighs jiggle, and that I don't fit into my jeans, but that doesn't mean it has any relevance on how I feel about myself as a whole.

However, there is one thing that has a major impact on how I feel about myself, and that's how well I perform academically.

Put it down to being one of the 'clever ones' through primary school, then being placed into top sets through secondary school, where these expectations of A and A* GCSE's are thrust upon you and if you're not living up to your potential you get taken into a room with all of the subject teachers and asked why you're not doing well, and essentially are made to feel about 2 inches tall (I should know). Then I went on to college - college was good. I studied Maths, Chemistry and Biology to A-level. Not easy subjects, I know, and I didn't particularly excel, but I passed at grades C and above, which was enough to get me into University to study Pharmacy.

I want to preface this with; I do like my course, and I do quite like my university, and (while we've had our differences) I do like my lecturers too, but I hate university.

Today, I got my results for the four exams I sat about a month ago. I passed two (Pathology and Pharmacy Practice - yay!) and failed the other two (Drug Substance and Pharmaceutics - not so yay). I was devastated. From not one of the exams did I leave and think 'Well shit, failed that one'. Each one I left feeling hopeful, that maybe for the first time in my university career I wouldn't have failed an exam. Maybe this time I'll be clever, maybe this time I'll show these lecturers, this university, the world, that I am actually good at what I do.

This was not the case.

I spent a while crying, and frankly I'm still not quite over that. Because all I could think about, was not just that I'd failed exams, that I would have to resit and it kind of mucks up my plans for summer, but that I was a failure. I'd gone and done it again, thick ol' Becky, back again.

I thought, 'Why can't I just get this? Other people do. Other people manage just fine? Why am I so fucking stupid that I can't manage to pass two stupid exams?' My perception of myself plummeted. I was no longer, Rebecca who is a whiz at making clothes, who can whip up the most delicious cake ever in no time, who can write epic novels (that may never see the light of day, but oh well), Rebecca who is strong, who can lift weights with the best of them, and has an amazing relationship with an amazing man. I was just Rebecca, girl who can't even get through one stupid degree course.

All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed, and sleep for the rest of my life. I wondered - would the world be better off without me? I thought, I must be dragging down the universities stats, that I'm putting my family through needless stress (because my mum stresses right along with me), that I'd spoiled my fiance's plans.

It's a horrible feeling, feeling like you're useless. Not just stupid or thick, but actually useless - what good am I?

University, while I have enjoyed parts of it, has ruined me. And should I, God forbid, actually fail off this course with only 1 year to go, I will never go back. Give me a full time job. Give me a mortgage and a life. But I would never, ever go back to university, not even if you paid me.

What's truly annoying though, is I know I would be an awesome pharmacist. I work in a pharmacy now, and I love it. I really, really do. Even the patients that drive you insane, I just love talking to people, and advising them on their health choices. I really do like going to work. I love learning from the pharmacists we have in. I just really hope I get the chance to do that.

I've done a ton of revision already today, and my alarm's set for 6.15am (yay) so I can get to the gym for 6.30, back home for 7.30 and revising by 8am. Got a meeting with a lecturer tomorrow afternoon, and this time I am going to kill these exams. There is going to be no question as to whether I've passed, because I'm going to. I don't want to think about the alternative.